Ask Me Anything But Where I’m Applying

Every fall, high school seniors begin fielding a familiar question:

“So, where are you applying to college?”

It comes from grandparents, neighbors, teachers, coaches, parents of friends, and well-meaning adults at Starbucks. And of course it does! College is a big milestone. We care about these kids, we’re curious about what comes next, and we’re trying to make conversation.

But for many teenagers, that seemingly harmless question can carry more weight than we realize.

By September, seniors are swimming in college talk. Friends are comparing lists. Parents are eyeing deadlines. School counselors are scheduling meetings. Social media is serving up campus tours and “day in the life” videos. Someone has a breathtaking SAT score. Someone else is applying early to that one school everyone seems to daydream about.

The noise gets loud. Quickly. And our teenagers, who are already navigating the very normal work of figuring out who they are and where they belong, are suddenly being asked, over and over again, to explain where they’re going next.

That’s a lot.

The List Is Personal 

A college list reflects much more than preference. Behind those school names are academic performance, family finances, learning needs, athletic recruitment, career interests, and plenty of uncertainty. Some students are delighted to talk about their plans. Others feel overwhelmed by the process or are still figuring it out. Still others know exactly where they hope to go but would rather not announce it to everyone they encounter.

All of those responses are perfectly reasonable.

When we repeatedly ask teenagers where they’re applying, we can unintentionally send the message that where they go next is the most interesting thing about them right now.

It isn’t.

Senior year is a coming-of-age milestone all its own. These students are taking challenging classes, playing sports, performing in concerts, working jobs, making art, navigating friendships, spending time with family, and experiencing dozens of “lasts” they may not even recognize as lasts yet.

College applications are something they are doing. They are not who they are.

Ask Better Questions

So, what can we say instead?

Ask what classes they’re enjoying. Ask what senior tradition they’re looking forward to most. Ask about the team, the play, their job, their friends, or the music they’re listening to.

And if college comes up, try, “What are you hoping to find in a college?” rather than “Where are you applying?”

That small shift moves the conversation away from names, outcomes, and prestige and toward something much more interesting: the teenager standing in front of you.

Then, follow their lead. If they enthusiastically start listing colleges, wonderful! If they shrug, give you a vague answer, or change the subject, go with it.

Protect Senior Year

Parents can create some breathing room at home, too. Of course, this is easier said than done. When we’re anxious about our kids, asking questions can feel like helping. But college applications don’t need to be discussed every time your senior walks into the kitchen.

Consider setting aside a specific time each week for deadlines, essays, and next steps. Outside of that time, try allowing home to be a place where your teenager gets to be a teenager. You don’t want your kid to wince every time they emerge from their room in search of a late-night bowl of cereal.

There will be plenty of college conversations in the months ahead. There will be applications and decisions, excitement and disappointment, uncertainty and, eventually, a choice about what comes next.

But these kids get only one senior year.

Let’s help them stay in it.

And the next time you encounter a senior this fall, resist the urge to ask where they’re applying.

Ask them something about who they are right now instead.