When Eating Means Something Else

Pamela’s parents were both loving towards her, but her father had become increasingly estranged from her mother, who complained about this all the time. Pamela falsely believed that her closeness with her father contributed to his distance from her mother. Because her father had often commented on Pamela”s weight, Pamela continued to overeat in order to create friction and distance from him, believing that would improve Mom’s relationship with Dad. These thoughts evolved into the rule that being fat and unappealing was good.

Allie was raised by upperclassman parents who imposed strict standards on who she could play with, that she be athletic and thin, and adhere to their politics, etc. As she got older she had to prove that she had a separate identity. She stopped sports, dressed poorly, gained a lot of weight, and socialized with people who offended her parents. To me she claimed that she was a truly independent person. Things began to change when I pointed out that she was one of the least independent people I knew, that she was totally controlled by her parents’ values because she was doing the opposite of what they wanted. This was really no different from doing exactly what they wanted doing.

Paul had been manipulated by his mother through guilt-provoking comments to make him pay more attention to her. Yet she was never satisfied. She would withhold snacks and sweets as punishments for his “failed efforts” to please her.

Paul subconsciously associated efforts by his doctors to lose weight as manipulating him by taking something of value away. So he defiantly rebelled by continuing his poor diet, thus duplicating his childhood rebellion against his mother, who was impossible to please. Sam’s parents had been fighting for years. His older brother, like his father, had a bad-tempered, critical nature like father. Mother’s relationship with them was contentious.

In contrast, Sam was congenial, soft-spoken, and easygoing. These qualities were appealing to his mother, who would often have conversations with Sam at night when everyone else had gone to bed. She would serve him peanut butter sandwiches with milk. This reinforced for him his source of comfort from his mother. All his life, overeating at night gave him a symbolic connection to his elderly mother, i.e., that he was still caring about and thinking of her.

Mimicking Their Deficiencies

Sometimes a person feels it is wrong to be better off than a parent or loved one. The chart explains that people may remain overweight because they believe they do not deserve to surpass those they care about.

The Deeper Pattern

These examples show that eating behaviors are often symbolic rather than purely physical. Food can represent loyalty, protest, comfort, protection, or belonging. What looks like a simple habit may actually be a strategy learned long ago to manage relationships, emotions, or family tension.

Understanding the underlying motive is often the first step toward change, because once the hidden purpose is recognized, the behavior no longer needs to serve it.