As a mom of three sons, I was grateful for the teachers who pushed my boys — the ones who handed back a 92 and called it a B. At the time, I’ll admit I had opinions about that. But those moments became coaching opportunities: Have you talked to your teacher? What is she looking for that you’re missing? An 82 wasn’t a failure — it was an invitation to grow. My boys had to think critically, advocate for themselves, and sit with discomfort long enough to work through it. That friction made them independent college students and competitive professionals.
That kind of productive struggle is increasingly rare. Grade inflation has quietly removed the academic friction that once built capable young adults. When an A is nearly guaranteed, there is little reason to problem-solve, self-advocate, or push past your own limits.
Here’s the consequence that doesn’t get enough attention: extracurriculars are now the primary arena where students develop the skills that actually matter. Brad Schiller, a respected voice in the IEC community, identifies five competencies essential for success in college and beyond — Agency, Critical Thinking, Problem Solving, Communication, and Executive Functioning. Not one outranks the others. Each serves a distinct purpose.
But the challenge isn’t knowing these skills exist. It’s recognizing them in a student who has never had to name them, and positioning them on paper in a way that resonates with a specific admissions committee.
Most families focus on what their student has done. I focus on what it reveals about who they are becoming.
Agency is the foundation. It is the belief in your ability to positively influence yourself and the world around you. Research shows that when young people shift from consumers to creators, self-esteem rises and depression, procrastination, and anxiety decline. Colleges are actively seeking students who demonstrate it — and high school is the window to build it.
Whatever a student tries — whether it unfolds exactly as planned or falls completely apart — they are learning who they are and what they are capable of. That self-knowledge is not a bonus. It is the whole point.
As an independent educational consultant, my work begins where the checklist ends — in the conversation where a student starts to understand what they’ve actually built. My job is to help them find the words, shape the story, and find a college where they will do more than get in. They will thrive.
