Rebuilding Trust With Your Partner

The most common difficulty faced by couples I work with is easily broken trust. Trust is intertwined with every activity we engage in as partners, so everything we do can help build or erode trust. So, actions or lack of actions on the little things can affect how partners trust each other with the larger or more important things. For example, if one partner struggles with timeliness or completing tasks they agreed to, how can they expect their partner to trust they will be on time when something important occurs?

Trust is often broken when one partner, feeling unfulfilled, reacts by seeking such fulfillment in unhealthy activities, such as gaming and watching explicit media content. Others may engage in emotional or physical infidelity with other persons. Such violations of trust are destructive but can be overcome if both are committed to address core issues and to work hard to reestablish trust.

Here are some tips for rebuilding trust in your relationship:

Realize that it will be challenging and require both partners to be committed.

The person who initially broke trust will have the seemingly simpler task beginning with stopping the unhealthy behavior.

The partner who has to learn to trust will have the harder job, since they probably have developed some unhealthy behaviors in response to the betrayal. These behaviors may include spying, monitoring, tracking, questioning, accusing, etc.

Apologies are good, but amends are better.

The difference is that apologizing sort of defends the behavior, even when sincere. Making amends requires you acknowledge the hurt you caused and a commitment to make things right.

Behave consistent with your promises, don’t break commitments, no matter how small, and tell the truth, even if it hurts.

Listen rather than explain.

Really hear your partner when they tell you how your behavior has impacted them.

Try to reclaim healthy boundaries as soon as you can.

In other words, try not to spy, track, search phones, etc.

Get rid of the “ghosts.”

Once you have resolved to make peace with and correct a past transgression, don’t resurrect it in a future argument.

Circle the wagons.

Politely ask all concerned friends and family to allow you to work this out and ask for privacy. Do not engage friends and family members for advice. They care about you and want to be supportive but will have a hard time being objective and not taking sides.

This list of tips could be longer, but it’s a good start. If any of this strikes a nerve, let me encourage you to engage a couples therapist experienced and focused on helping couples and families heal. If you are both committed and willing to work hard, this present rebuilding trust can actually help make your relationship stronger.