Reflecting on the Holidays: Lessons in Observing Our Aging Loved Ones
During the holiday season many of us spent time with loved ones. This likely raised questions regarding aging family members. The most common questions – Is this normal? Should we worry? What should we do? So we asked Kathi Miracle, founder and owner of Silver Tsunami Aging Information.
So my mom is the best cook in the family and even though she is humble about it she knows it. This year some of her dishes didn’t have their usual robust flavor. In fact, they were unusually salty.
A: Little changes like this may be nothing or they be red flags or warning signs of something bigger. The person who is starting to experience cognitive decline already knows that something may be wrong but they are not ready to talk about it, or willing to admit it because no one wants their independence taken away. This would be a starting point to begin monitoring things more closely. That is easier to do if you live locally, it is much more challenging if you live far away. You may need to talk with other family members or neighbors to begin piecing things together and begin journaling things that seem out of the ordinary for this person. The more specific documentation you have the better when you can present it to the doctor. This may be where you can ask the person when was the last time they saw their doctor and is it time to get a check-up. This may take more than one attempt to get them to go to the doctor.
We happened to notice that our grandmother showed up to Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day in the same clothes. We asked her about it and she answered that she only noticed it when we told her. She wasn’t worried.
A: The first questions I would ask is “Could this be a generational thing?” The people who grew up in the depression tend to be thrifty. What may look like ‘hoarding’ is not. They want to ensure they have food. What may look like wearing the same clothes is not. The reasoning is that the clothes are still clean and there is no need to wash them yet, and it was easy to put on the same clothes. Upon further observation, are the clothes dirty? Are the clothes inappropriate for the weather outside or time of year? Are the clothes worn or in need of repair? This may be nothing, and it may be a red flag for something more concerning. Start doing more observing, asking questions, and journaling to see if you find patterns in behavior. If the person is wearing the same clothes, it could mean there are other areas of daily grooming that may be being skipped or not tended to.
My dad has been a joyous, gregarious very positive person his whole life. In fact our mom calls him the “eternal optimist ” He is always so excited when the kids and grandkids gather at his home. But this year, even the smallest thing set him off. No batteries in the remote or not being able to find his glasses keys etc.
A: It is important to ‘rule out’ obvious things that could be causing this behavior. Has he been sick? Is he dehydrated or malnourished? Has there been a change in his medical condition or is he on a new medication? Older adults are more sensitive to altitude changes, barometric changes, and infections. If he is becoming more agitated over things he would previously brush off, then maybe this is something to be concerned about. While sudden changes in personality can be something that is explained medically that is not always the case. When people begin having cognitive decline challenges, they can become defensive given dementia is the 2nd most feared diagnosis in the world. Start observing what is going on and see if there are any patterns occurring. Specifically try to determine if anything specific is triggering his responses. Journal as much as you can so you have specific examples to speak to the doctor about.
Pop excitedly told us the story of how he won 50-yard line tickets for the Broncos game. He told us the story three times over one weekend.! And he had already told it on a group call the week before!
A: Is this the first and only thing that this person has won? We can all be guilty of repeating and reliving things that happen in our lives we are excited and proud about. However, how many times has he repeated the same story? Is the story the same every time it is told? Are details added or deleted from the original version? Are you observing anything else where there is constant repeating such as questions that have been asked and answered. Was this a one-time occurrence or is there more repetitive things happening? This behavior could be the beginning of cognitive decline and may need to be pursued with the physician.
My parents’ home is known for its order and cleanliness. It is spotless and everything is in its place. Maybe it’s due to the holiday, but their unopened mail was piled up. And it was clear that the trash needed to be taken out. It must have been there for a week!
A: If you notice that the mail and trash are piling up this could be an indicator of bigger challenges. Is there food in the refrigerator that has expired or is moldy? Is the person keeping up on their daily grooming tasks? Is the person dressed appropriately or do they appear a bit disheveled? When was the last time the house was cleaned? Floors swept, mopped, and vacuumed? Is the furniture dusty? What other signs might there be that the person is not able to keep up on daily responsibilities? Journal as much as you can and the more specific the information the better to start seeing patterns that can be explained to the medical team.
