The Importance of Acceptance
Acceptance. What is the first thing you think of when you hear this word? If you are like many of my clients, the idea of acceptance can feel bittersweet because many people assume that accepting something means they also have to approve of it. Unfortunately, this concept often gets confused, which leaves many people ill-equipped to deal with past losses, trauma, and struggles.
Defining Acceptance
Acceptance is not…
To help clarify the act of acceptance, let’s start by defining what it is not. Acceptance is NOT giving up or acquiescing to abuse, trauma, or toxic relationships. It is not weakness nor is it helplessness or hopelessness. Acceptance is not an empty spiritual platitude designed to leave its participants feeling defeated or powerless.
On the contrary, acceptance is a choice, a process chosen by individuals who recognize they are unable to move past a thing because it is not what they wanted it to be. Let me be clear, acceptance is not ignoring painful things or pretending they did not happen. Neither is it accepting bad things or refusing to advocate for ourselves. Instead, acceptance is key to psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even physical freedom. If we resist the unwanted things in our lives, we often exist in a state of denial, avoidance, anger, defeat, resentment, and, in extreme cases, disassociation.
Acceptance is…
In simple terms, accepting something is acknowledging that it happened (or is happening) despite your wishes to the contrary. It’s the divorce you didn’t want, the rebellious kid you raised to be otherwise, the dying loved one, the overlooked promotion at work. When I work with clients who believe their situation is unfair, unmerited, or unexpected, I often gently introduce the idea of acceptance and help them to explore what this would look like for them. The principle here is that as long as we resist acceptance, we stay blind to solutions. We are unable to process our related emotions, place healthy boundaries, set expectations, and identify next steps. In other words, without acceptance we cannot move forward into the freedom we all crave. Sometimes the best thing to say to ourselves is this: “It is what it is, despite my desire for it to be otherwise.” This statement can be followed up with questions such as, “What can I do about it? How do I want to learn from this? How do I want to be different? How do I want to use this experience to potentially help others?”
When to Accept
Identifying when to accept a situation can be incredibly challenging at times. I know from personal experience and from countless sessions with clients over the years that acceptance does not come easily. Acceptance often involves grief because we are coming to terms with some sort of loss and it can be hard to accept this is as our new reality. Sometimes it is the culmination of a long fight. Sometimes it is the place we arrive when dealing with the hurtful decision of another.
Once I Reach a Place of Acceptance, Then What?
Once an individual comes to terms with a situation and begins accepting, there are several next steps that become possible. Having said that, it is important to note that like grief, acceptance is not necessarily a linear process and there is no precise timeline. Sometimes we are only capable of accepting a portion of something or at least a portion of it at a time.
With acceptance, an individual is then able to:
- Process their related emotions
- Participate in the present
- Identify and set healthy boundaries/expectations
- Identify needs and wants
- Identify solutions and problem solve
- Take action toward a healthier future
Conclusion
If you are struggling with acceptance, please know you are not alone. Ask yourself if you are stuck emotionally and psychologically because you have been resistant to acceptance. Then ask yourself what acceptance may look like for you in this season of your life. Obtaining support from a clinical therapist or joining a support group specific to your struggle may be an excellent way for you to start.
