Most People Have Love Completely Wrong
Every February, I watch the same thing happen. People panic about love. They scramble to buy cards, book dinners, and post perfect photos, but behind closed doors they are really stressed about why their relationship feels lonely, unfulfilled, and disconnected.
After nearly three decades as a licensed psychotherapist, here is what I know for sure: Love (real love) is something most people have to LEARN HOW to do if they want to get it right. Time and time again, couples come into my private practice struggling with serious communication problems and unspoken, mismatched expectations.
Let’s face it, most people did not grow up with role models who knew how to do love well either. So as adults, we do one of two things: generation after generation, we repeat patterns that do not work and end up emotionally disconnected, and eventually end the relationship or we decide to break the cycle and learn a better way. You are free to choose, so I will ask you directly: What do you want for your life?
Couples come into to my practice and say they are not in love anymore or that they are stuck in vicious cycles they “cannot break.” They think something is wrong with them.
It is not that anything is wrong with them. They CAN break the cycles; they just haven’t been shown the right methods and steps to take to make things better.
They simply need better tools. They need a new process where they start choosing each other again. They need to learn how to listen in a new way. They need to become curious instead of defensive.
When you begin taking responsibility for your own emotional state, you start healing the resentment and contempt that slowly poisons a relationship. Do yourself and your relationship a favor. Take the steps to be the soothing balm that heals the old wounds.
If you answered my question above as someone who does want something different, you can start right now.
Here are five shifts that change everything.
1. Stop ignoring your needs and your partner’s needs. Be courageous and face the issues you have avoided that keep resurfacing. Decide to finally have the hard conversations.
2. Do not wait for your partner to make you feel whole. Practice self-care so your life feels fulfilling. Your partner is the icing, not the cake.
3. When you show up for yourself with honesty, boundaries, and self-respect, your relationship improves automatically and naturally.
4. Learn how to listen to what is actually being said, not the story your old beliefs place on top of it.
5. Expect imperfection. You are both learning. This is not about doing it perfectly. It is about staying engaged, open, and willing to do something new.
TRUE love is messy, vulnerable, honest, kind, and open to growth. You are not your partner. Your partner is not you. You are two individuals choosing to walk through life together. You do have the power to choose to heal and to learn how to create a relationship that feels satisfying and wonderful. The choice truly is yours and a great relationship is possible with investing in the right tools.
Love is built through consistency over time, not grand gestures one day a year. Make Valentine’s Day special if you want to, just don’t forget that the other 364 days matter more.
If you would like my online mini masterclass to get the ball rolling in a new direction, reach out and I will send it to you as my valentine’s gift to you as a way of cheering you on in your new journey towards real love. For now, stay open and willing. The rest unfolds from there. It’s time to get excited because the best is yet to come!
