Here are three common self-defeating motivations and behaviors.
One can result from accommodating to a sibling or parent who is jealous or resentful of your successes. Or from feeling guilty over being better off than, and sorry for, someone in the family who suffered.
Another is from rebelling against a parent who lives through your accomplishments and expects perfection from you. A third from mimicking a parent who did poorly in career, business, with money, or relationships.
Rick was undermining his achievements. Rick’s father was always critical of his brother Paul, who did poorly in school and was often in trouble with the teachers. Rick believed that Paul’s suffering was worse whenever Paul was compared to him, so he goofed off more and lowered his grades.
Rick wasn’t responsible for his brother’s troubles but believed that Paul would suffer less if Rick didn’t do so well in school. Then there would be less reason for his father to compare Paul to him.
Is it always an advantage to be the apple of their eye?
What if your parent was overly upset if you weren’t perfect? Never satisfied with your grades, your soccer game, your music performance, etc. If he or she lived through your accomplishments because his or her self-esteem depended on you being a star at everything. If so, it wasn’t so great to be that special to them.
What could you do about it?
Kids don’t verbalize the problem; they protest about the unpleasant pressure to be perfect with rebelling behavior. By failing, being abusive, withdrawing, dropping out, using drugs and alcohol, living a counterculture lifestyle, they hope that the parent gets the meaning behind this protest against perfection. Unfortunately, this type of parent doesn’t get it because your failings undermine that parent’s self-esteem, which depends on your achievements. Therefore, they intensify the pressure on you to succeed, and so the cycle of resentment and rebellion continues.
Aaron’s mother was extremely unhappy in her marriage. Aaron’s dad had been having an affair for years. Without realizing it, his mother began making more demands of him and to expect extra attention from him, which he resented. To openly refuse her made him feel guilty, so instead, in protest, he became more distant and defiant when she made requests of him. As an adult, he continued this pattern by rarely calling her. This pattern of distancing from people also played out in his dating life. Aaron would end a relationship when a woman fell in love with him because he misconstrued her love and interest with neediness. In his business, as with his mother, he often failed to maintain frequent contact with many clients as he subconsciously worried about new requests of him.
In therapy, he gradually overcame his self-defeating pattern and successfully married and grew his business, which had been stagnant.
Irwin Gootnick, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist with a private practice in Kentfield. To schedule a consultation, call 415-722-9783 or visit www.zocdoc.com/doctor/irwin-gootnick-md-28784
