Father’s Day cards never quite hit for me. Not every dad or father figure likes grilling, fishing, tinkering with tools or cars, including my dad! Even just the idea of a singular day to celebrate my dad never seemed sufficient because of the odds we overcame to have a close and meaningful relationship.
My parents divorced in the 1970s when I was a toddler, my mom had full custody as was typical at that time. Fortunately, they agreed on regular visitation, however, early on my mother and I moved to another city and then another state. Remember – this was pre-video chats, pre-texting, pre-easily knowing every second of someone’s day through a phone. Intentionality had to be the name of the game if we were to maintain a relationship.
And my dad was intentional indeed. We had frequent long-distance phone calls where he asked about the seemingly insignificant parts of my life. When I visited him, he brought me into the fold of his daily life. I went everywhere with him, including business lunches, workouts and the office. I knew his people, surroundings and had a room of my own at his place. I belonged just as much there as I did in Greenville. He would mark milestones, with delivered flowers for birthdays and frequent cards and handwritten letters. I can remember wanting to make the effort to keep him in the loop of my life. One Father’s Day gift was an album of photos that represented a day of my life. He had a visual of my locker, the hallways I frequented and where I sat at lunch. Over the years, bit by bit, we intentionally knitted together a strong bond.
As a marriage and family therapist now, I understand why the choices my dad made were so impactful. So, if this Father’s Day, you are taking stock of your relationships and are curious about strengthening those bonds, I offer up a few things to keep in mind.
Consistency and follow through are vital in relationships. Even in the little moments of dependability, showing up and connecting relationships are strengthened. The calls and letters that occurred consistently and frequently created a rhythm of predictability and attachment that articulated my importance and belonging to him. He always wanted (and still wants) to know about both the daily events and the major milestones of my life. With kids, start these conversations early – helping them know you care about who they ate lunch with or what happened on the playground. Naturally things shift as kids get older and teenage years present unique challenges, but teenagers need to know a parent or caregiver is there if and when they need them.
Being intentional and present with those around us has become increasingly harder. Now our loved ones must contend with screens and notifications and the blurry boundaries of work and life. Communicating importance can happen by limiting distractions and increasing time with simple eye contact, shared activity, and playfulness. Again, while critically important in the parent-child relationship…close your eyes and imagine playing and making eye contact with a partner. These rules still very much apply.
I still know that I matter to my dad, now 80 years old. Even while writing this on a Saturday morning, I received a text from him that said, “Enjoy your Saturday morning ritual.” He knows my Saturdays involve quiet time, coffee and a slice of sourdough bread dripping in butter. So, today I encourage you to do the “hokey” thing and ask questions to a loved one about what is important to them, or whip out a quick card game, or slow down and look someone in the eye (FaceTime works!) and have a non-distracted conversation with them. Notice how you feel afterwards – because the gift of that intentional slowdown is not just for them, it is for you too.
