I don’t feel good, What if something happens? Are you sure everything will be ok? I am going to mess this up, It has to be perfect…
Have you heard your kiddo utter any of these statements? As a child and adolescent therapist, and parent myself, I often hear many kiddos and teens, as well as my own daughter say things that point to anxious thinking and feeling.
Anxious feelings in kids is often displayed differently than in adults; especially in how they react and respond to these feelings. When faced with a situation that a child perceives as scary or anxiety provoking, their reactions to this can range from tantrums to avoidance to emotional shut down/withdrawal. These anxious reactions can also show up as not wanting to try something new, becoming quickly discouraged or shutting down when mistake is made, putting intense pressure on themselves to be “perfect.”
You may be asking yourself “What is something that would cause a kid to feel anxious?” Many common themes of anxiety with kids revolve around weather events, test taking, the dark, meeting new people, going to new places that are unfamiliar, throwing up, getting sick, making mistakes, and wanting to know the what’s going to happen before it happens to name a few. All these themes have one universal thread: they involve the unexpected. Kids often find the unexpected to be challenging and will often convey the message via their reactions that they can’t handle it. Reactions of crying, tantrums, avoidance, opposition and rigidity (difficulty being flexible) can all point to signs that your child is feeling anxious. Of course signs of anxiety look different across age groups. Younger children tend to communicate anxious feelings with crying, tantrums, becoming emotionally dysregulated and clinginess. Adolescents and teenagers will engage in avoidant or perfectionist behavior, withdraw from family and friends or become irritable or easily agitated.
What Can I do as a Parent?
Worry and anxiety is often distressing and uncomfortable to children. Many kids tend to zero in on the physical discomfort that worry and anxiety can cause which often times maximizes the discomfort. Some kids experience anxiety through ruminating thoughts that show up as a case of the “what ifs, shoulds, or expecting the worst thing to happen.
Here are a few ways that parents can help their child to begin to manage those feelings of anxiety.
Name it to tame it
Help your child name that feeling. Whether they say they feel scared, worried stressed, or overwhelmed, these are all ways to describe anxiety. When we are able to name how we are feeling, this helps to externalize the feeling. For younger kiddos, the movie Inside Out 2 is a great reference to use to help them identify how they are feeling.
Calming Bodies and Minds
A frequent analogy I use when working with kids is this: Imagine that your brain is a tall skyscraper made up of many floors. When we experience intense (or big) feelings, or brain is at the top floor of that skyscraper. When our brains are at the top floor, we are unable to think logically or problem solve. We need to get our brains as close to the bottom floor as possible in order for us to be able to think clearly and problem solve. One way to do that is through Grounding. Grounding is distraction skill that allows our brains to focus elsewhere in order for our intense (or big) feelings to become less intense. One form of grounding is mental grounding. How does it work? It’s easy and can be done anytime, anywhere. Here are a few examples of mental grounding:
- Where am I right now? (use as much detail as possible)
- What colors am I wearing?
- What objects do I see around me? (describe at least 5 objects in as much detail as
possible) - What colors do I see around me? (name each color, shades of color)
