More and more clients are coming into my office with anxiety around the unknown. The content is different for each, but the spinning thoughts, anxious sensations, and other symptoms are similar. Whether they are struggling with the unknown future of a job, worries about their children’s schooling, wondering about what the future of life will be, or thinking of other existential dilemmas, there isn’t always predictable positive answers for their questions. We don’t always know what will happen, or how something will go. Anxiety, by its nature, is a product of an unknown future in the midst of a difficult present. And, in our current unprecedented times, often therapists are asking some of the same questions our clients are asking!
How do I help clients when there aren’t perfect answers? Here are some things I try to help them keep in mind:
- Our thoughts and our nervous systems contribute to anxiety.
Anxiety is a product of many things, but the most basic building blocks come from our brain and extended nervous system. Both systems are far more complex than even scientists know, but on a basic level, they have both evolved to help us survive. Research says our brains have a ‘negativity bias’ that scans for problems and things that could cause us emotional or physical pain—and in worse case scenarios, physical death.
This is why after a work evaluation or report card, you will likely remember the one or two negative comments instead of the multitude of positive ones. Negative thoughts on a loop and a fear of poor outcomes can keep us from sleeping, eating, or even getting our work done. Our brain isn’t just in our skull though. The network of nerves throughout our body (our nervous system) has the same type of ‘scanning’ ability—scanning for potential danger often without conscious thought. This is also to keep us safe. For example, if a bear was to attack you in the woods, your system would most likely go into “Flight, Fight or Freeze” (whichever seems the most likely to keep you alive.) You wouldn’t stop and consider multiple options; you would just do it.
Anxiety comes from both our negativity bias in our thoughts and our unconscious nervous system scans for safety. And frankly, both systems were probably designed to handle far less than we are handling in this day and age. The exponential increase of information available to us in instant timeframes exposes us to more negative thoughts and threats than we ever thought possible. Constant blue light that signals activity doesn’t allow relaxation. And our nervous systems can’t read the difference between a real bear and the “thought of a bear” so even reading or thinking about things that are potentially harmful causes a lessened version of the same responses.
The digital information age may have some benefits, but in practice it is part of the problem. Researchers saw a huge jump in the percentage of college freshman with anxiety when the first generation of students arrived who had grown up with smart phones. The numbers haven’t dropped since. While in the past we were only confronted with the needs and difficulties of our neighbors and community circles, we are now confronted in seconds with the needs and difficulties of the whole world. And not just individual needs, but collective needs, and large problems with global consequences that don’t seem to be resolving any time soon. It’s enough to make a nervous system fried.
- The physiological part of our nervous systems respond best to sensations and imagery.
Focusing on positive thought patterns, logic, gratitude practices, and mindfulness skills can start to work, over time, with our negative thoughts, negativity bias, and even putting issues we are anxious about into proper perspective. However, the nervous system sensations that keep us feeling anxiety in our bodies with thoughts racing, butterflies in our stomachs, an inability to sleep, shortness of breath, or a persistent ‘feeling that something bad could happen’, do not respond to words and logic.
Our physiological systems respond to physical sensations and imagery. This is why when someone says “take a deep breath”—which can be totally annoying in the moment—is actually a very good strategy. When our bodies are in flight, fight, or freeze, we start to breathe shallow because we are getting ready to run, fight, or collapse. A deep breath is a physical sensation that lets the nervous system know we are okay in this moment. Breathwork practices have appeared in many cultures and religions, and part of the reason is they calm our nervous systems. Other calming physical sensations may include shaking or twisting the body, a warm fluffy weighted blanket, holding s mug of hot tea, petting an animal, listening to music, engaging in. exercise, cold water on the face/neck, having a massage, or progressive muscle relaxation. All these items help the body know that a threat is not imminent.
Imagery/imagination exercises have also been a historical human experiment in many cultures and religions. To use imagery for calming purposes, I have my clients integrate their five senses. For example, I might have them imagine a “Peaceful Place” that is real or imagined. I will then ask them to think about what they see in that place, what they might hear, smell, touch, and sometimes taste. I have seen over and over that focusing on our “senses”—even in our imagination—can help regulate a nervous system from anxious to less anxious, or even back to calm.
- We only control “our own backpack”
While it would be nice to control all the things that make us anxious, we actually only control ourselves. I often use the metaphor of a backpack with my clients. I only have control and can work with things in ‘my backpack”—my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, words, actions, boundaries, etc. I do not have control over anyone else’s backpack. If I was hiking through the Boundary Waters, I could only carry my hiking pack—I can’t carry my partner’s/child’s/friend’s backpacks as well. If I try, I will be too weighed down, get tired too quickly, and won’t make it to the next destination. The same is true with our worries and our anxiety. We can only deal with our own backpacks—not our partners/childs/friends/neighbors/countries/world backpacks. Narrowing our activities to our own circles of influence and what we can control vs what we can’t control moves our focus of attention to the place where it is effective instead of scattered.
- When in doubt, do the next best thing.
One of my favorite writers, Glennan Doyle, taught me to focus on the ‘next best thing’ in an overwhelming season of raising kids and trying to make life work. The basic premise is this: I can’t focus on everything at once even if I try. And trying to focus on everything at once makes my anxiety worse because the overwhelm is suffocating. What I CAN do, is decide to focus on the ‘next best thing’ for me, my people, and my circles of influence. Is ‘the next best thing’ taking a deep breath? Doing a self-care activity? Prepping the next meal? Taking a break from social media? Writing the next email? Seeing the next client? Whatever it is, I let go of everything else and put my attention and energy on ‘the next best thing’. Then I continue to do it repeatedly. This helps my brain calm from a frenzy into one-threaded thinking—and it helps me move forward in a meaningful way. It is action despite anxiety. It moves the needle while not spreading me too thin and my brain registers that as safety.
Whether you actively struggle with anxiety or not, these concepts can help us navigate the increasingly complex times we live in while helping our nervous systems stay settled.
