Love Story: John F. Kennedy & Carolyn Bessette is a recent FX series that dramatizes the early stages of their relationship. While there have been many conflictual comments on the facts of the series, the one thing that struck me was how their story began. We are immersed in feelings such as love-stricken, smitten, playful, intense attraction, and a desire for more that emerge from the wooing or courtship between two people.
As a Sex Therapist who works with couples, I always ask, how did you first become a couple? Why? Because all couples have a similar beginning; I ask them to remind themselves of what it was like before the problems emerged and the disconnection began.
Wooing
While wooing is an older word that Dictionary.com defines as “trying to gain the love of (someone),” it is more commonly defined as seeking the comfort or support of another. Either way, it is the actions and behaviors one uses to draw someone in. I mention Love Story particularly because, despite their fame, the simplicity of John and Carolyn’s story is similar to many others. It starts with an introduction at an event, exchanging phone numbers, sending flowers, and sharing a meal that lasts longer than it should, all because of the desire to have more time together. When working with couples, the same issues come up again and again; they recognize that the intensity does not persist indefinitely, and for some, it disappears altogether. The loss of that interest upsets many couples leaving them feeling rejected or unloved.
Relationship Challenges
What happens is that couples can’t maintain that level of interest or intensity for one another indefinitely. For many, careers, growing a family, or the responsibilities of extended family needs become a focus. This shifts that initial energy away from them, often leaving a distant feeling. After years of that disconnect, couples often feel like roommates and like they’ve lost the romantic aspect of their relationship. Some feel abandoned, while others seek a way to reignite that spark outside their relationship.
Repair
Couples find themselves in my office wanting to get back the relationship they once had. Throughout therapy, we work on helping them rediscover themselves and their common interests together, while returning to dating each other. While time away from their family is not always feasible for everyone, making time alone together is key. At home, dates can be breakfast or lunch dates, time spent during kids’ naptime, or connecting before bedtime. Committing to dedicating time and prioritizing the relationship is the foundation of the connection.
If you find navigating this conversation challenging, we would love to support you in achieving this or other goals in your relationship. Reach out to us at 201-240-9788 or www.MD-Counseling.com.
