Your daughter just struck out for the third time, and she’s sobbing in the dugout. Your son got left out at recess and won’t talk about it. Your toddler is melting down at bedtime for reasons that remain, frankly, a mystery. In moments like these, most of us are thinking the same thing: “What am I supposed to do right now?”
Dr. Tina Payne Byrson, a psychotherapist and best-selling co-author of The Power of Showing Up (with psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel), has a beautifully simple answer. She calls it the 4 Ss – and it works like a compass when you feel completely lost.
SAFE. Before anything else, your child needs to know they’re protected – physically and emotionally. They need to feel that you are a safe harbor, even when the world feels scary. A child who feels safe is a child who can take risks, try hard things, and bounce back when they fail.
SEEN. This goes deeper than watching from the bleachers. Seeing your child means tuning in to what’s happening beneath the behavior – the fear under the defiance, the loneliness behind the silence. When a child feels truly understood, not just observed, something shifts inside them.
SOOTHED. This isn’t about fixing every problem or shielding them from hard things. It’s about teaching your child that when life gets overwhelming, they won’t have to face it alone. You’re there. That presence – calm, steady, reliable – teaches their nervous system how to settle.
SECURE. When a child consistently feels safe, seen, and soothed, something powerful develops: secure attachment. They begin to trust that the people who love them will show up. And from that foundation, they can handle just about anything.
Here’s the best part – you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up.
Dr. Rose Hanna, Psy.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner of Rose Hanna Counseling Services in Long Beach, CA. To learn more, visit RoseHanna.com or call 562.291.6356.
