The discovery and recovery from infidelity can be one of the most challenging journeys a couple can face. The initial feelings, which can include hurt, anger, and mistrust, can seem insurmountable. However, with a willingness to do the hard work and having a strong support network, it is possible to rebuild a stronger, more fulfilling relationship going forward. Recovery from an affair can take up to three years. There are no shortcuts or easy ways out. Here are my tips for couples as they navigate healing.
Communication
Couples need to be able to have difficult conversations on their own outside of therapy. Agreeing on when, how, and how much is important for safety and privacy. Ears can be everywhere, with children of all ages around, and others who should not be a part of the healing process; this is for the couple only. In addition, agreeing on who you can each use for emotional support will be important. Many couples have relied on one another as their emotional support person, but when there is a fracture in the relationship, it is difficult to rely on the person who you hurt or who hurt you for support.
Transparency/Accountability
The partner who stepped out of the relationship must be willing to take full responsibility, answer questions openly, and demonstrate genuine remorse and a commitment to change. Though there may be many detailed questions, lying or dodging answers may interfere with the healing. Be aware that this process may take months or even years. Often, memories, dates, and events can spark more questions and setbacks, as this is not a linear process.
Empathy
Both partners need to make a concerted and sincere effort to accept that they may each have a different perspective on how the relationship felt and operated before the affair happened. While the discussion can be painful, listening to understand is critical. No one person is right or wrong in their perception, but each person needs their emotions validated, even when it’s painful.
Root causes
Affairs don’t just happen. It is important to discuss the underlying issues that were not discussed or explored with clear, open communication prior to the affair. Often in my office, I hear one person say, “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t listen.” Being able to track past discussions, communication challenges, and behaviors is critical. Sharing vulnerability that may have contributed to the affair allows relationships to look closely at the difficulties that were not tended to.
Renegotiate
Couples moving forward need to redefine how they want their relationship to look and behave. Setting up boundaries and agreements allows couples to have a say in what was missing and what could work better to support each of their needs. Additionally, the couple will need to redefine how they plan to handle future challenges and miscommunication to address problems sooner.
Celebrate
Change often happens in small steps and can often be overlooked if you are not intentional. Acknowledge each milestone, no matter how modest, to reinforce the progress you’re making. Small wins are recovery.
If you find navigating affair recovery challenging, we would love to support you in the healing process. Please reach out to us at 201-240-9788 or www.md-counseling.com.
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