Tired of the Same Fight? 3 Signs You’re Accidentally Rewarding the Behavior

I want to tell you about a horse.

I watched this unfold over months — not in one dramatic moment, but in the quiet accumulation of ordinary interactions nobody flags as significant until the shape of something becomes clear.

He wasn’t being mean. He was just doing what horses do — curious, social, looking for connection. During sessions in our arena, a client worked alongside their equine partner, doing the intentional work of relationship building. Then it started: a playful nip, a grab at the lead rope, a nudge that was a little too much.

The client asked for space. The horse moved away. Good. But then he came back — same behavior. The client’s frustration grew, and something shifted from detachment into disconnection — checked out, gone.

Here’s what the horse’s nervous system had learned: the only time full, engaged connection happened was when the behavior showed up. The nipping wasn’t the point. Connection was.

We Build the Pathways Without Realizing It

Dr. Bruce D. Perry, founder of the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics, has spent decades showing that the brain is built through repetition. Every interaction lays down a neural pathway. When we consistently show up — fully, reactively — in response to difficult behavior, we teach the nervous system: this is how you get me. It doesn’t matter if the connection feels negative. To a brain wired for attachment, attention is attention. The pathway strengthens, and the behavior that keeps earning our full presence keeps showing up to claim it.

Three Signs You’re Caught in the Pattern

1. You’re always on edge, waiting for it. That hypervigilance isn’t weakness — it’s your brain predicting and protecting. But it’s also a sign the pattern has become the organizing force in the relationship.

2. The behavior is getting more intense. Intensity is information. When a behavior needs to work harder for the same response, it will — that’s reinforcement in action.

3. It’s happening more often. Frequency is the clearest signal a pathway is strengthening. The behavior isn’t random. It’s reliable, because it keeps working.

The Rope

Remember tug-of-war? My favorite part was letting go of the rope and watching the other team fall backward — not from being overpowered, but because the struggle required both sides to participate. The moment one side withdrew, it collapsed.

Someone in your life may be holding that rope out to you right now. You get to decide whether you pick it up. You will, sometimes — we’re human, tired, triggered. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness. The moment you notice you’re holding the rope is the moment you can set it down.

What to Do Instead

This isn’t about ignoring everything — some behaviors demand a response for safety or genuine need. It’s about being intentional with your relational energy. Ask: what template am I building right now? When does this person get my full, warm presence — only when things are hard, or in the ordinary moments too? Feed the pathways you want to strengthen. Let the others quietly starve.

Sometimes this work leads to repair. But sometimes, after honest reflection, a relationship isn’t safe to keep investing in. The most loving thing you can do is stop picking up the rope entirely. Not every relationship needs a trim — some need to be cut back all the way.

Bigger Than Parenting

This isn’t just about kids. It’s the colleague who knows how to pull you into conflict, the dynamic that drains you before you walk in the door. The question is always the same: what am I teaching this relationship about how to get my attention?

You are the one holding the template. And templates — built through a hundred small reactive moments — can be rebuilt through a hundred small moments of intentional presence.