The Value of First-Time Listening

THE COVE CODE

If you show up at any Bright Knights or life skills class, you will hear “The Cove Code” at the beginning of each and every class. The Cove Code is a set of ‘classroom rules’ for all of our classes. It is a framework that came to me early in my career and has been chiseled out and stood the test of time.

Everyone belongs in Bright Knights. The only caveat to this is that everyone follows The Cove Code. Too loose and it wouldn’t be worth talking about, too strict and it might turn people away.

We go over it exhaustively and yet, the kids we work with do not tire of it. We actually have a blast going through it.

“First-Time Listening” is one of the rules of the Cove Code.

MODELING FIRST-TIME LISTENING

If it is someone’s first Bright Knights class, one of the teachers or myself will model how First-Time Listening works.

I say, “First, let’s experience how this doesn’t work; your goal is to get my attention.” The group will call my first name and I will then sort of comically walk away, or pretend I’m on my phone or distracted. Besides being comical, this is a little uncomfortable for everyone and I want the students to feel that.

I then say, “Now, let’s look at how this does work,” and I choose one kid to assertively call for me. The split second they say my name I turn with presence and look directly at the student. I say out loud “eye contact” and gesture to the group how we are connected. I put my hands up with fingers out and say, “eye contact, connection, team” as I join my hands together with fingers interlocked.

And for those unfamiliar with Bright Knights, when you do a Quest we say, “if you stay a team, you will likely get the win; and if you don’t, you might not get the win, and that is okay because we will learn from it.”

THE IMMENSE VALUE OF THIS STANDARD

Listening first-time isn’t just something to list off at the beginning of class, it is how we operate.

And it is a two-way street. We set the standard of the reasonable expectation that when a teacher calls on a student or a student calls on a teacher, we are right there for each other. We thereby set an environment of:

• Respect
• Attention
• Connection
• Teamwork
• Self-Worth

My fiancée’s dad has a great quote: “It’s not how smart you are, it’s if you pay attention.” In a world of constant distraction, First-Time Listening is how we teach our kids to be present.

We build out a ‘space’ in Bright Knights where everyone matters, everyone is a part of the team, and it matters what kids say. In Ariser with both one-on-one Mentoring and Bright Knights, we model the two-way street that all healthy relationships are built upon. Because we fully honor the teacher’s voice and the student’s voice, a bridge is built which makes sessions fruitful because what each party says matters. It isn’t empty air or repeating.

BECAUSE WE CRUSH

Why should a kid care about First-Time Listening? This is a ‘million dollar’ question; one that I was acutely aware of as a kid. This question shows everything about whether or not we are ‘seeing’ and ‘hearing’ kids and what drives us personally.

How do you explain to a 7-year-old that listening the first time isn’t just about obedience, but about power and speed in the game? I tell them, “We don’t want to control you, we want to crush.” We want to crush and excel in the game of Bright Knights, and to take what we learn – including First-Time Listening – and go out and have true success in the game of life.

When kids aren’t listening I say something like, “Hey, it’s cool, if you want to go do something else, that’s fine. For real, no judgment, I think you are cool and have your back if you call upon me. But for this, don’t come into my class in a half-way manner. Being here is a commitment to The Cove Code and Bright Knights.”

BREAK THE LOOP

If this is a struggle for you at home, I get it. I grew up in a household with four kids clamoring for attention. My mom wasn’t ignoring us when we were vying for attention, and we meant no disrespect when she was repeating our names over and over. The biggest thing I see now is that there is a learned call & response that emerges at home which is kind of unconscious. Parents will repeat a child’s name numerous times and, sometimes, will raise their voice and then it goes back around in a circle. The idea is that when we first-time listen, we show that it matters what others say, that we value our friends, family, peers and all people, and then it positively holds up self-worth because of the psychological mechanism that when we apply something outwardly it also happens inwardly.

When we break the loop of ignoring, repeating or yelling, we build a bridge. What each party says matters. It isn’t empty air or repeating. It is connection. And connection is everything.