How to Make the Holidays More Pleasant for a Person With Dementia

The holiday season can be challenging when a family member has Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy body dementia or another form of dementia that affects memory. You may be wondering how family gatherings and changes in routine will affect you and your loved one.

Although we cannot address all your concerns, the following suggestions may help make these gatherings calmer and more enjoyable for everyone.

Three Golden Rules of Communication¹

1. Do not disagree with the person with dementia (PWD). Correcting or contradicting them will cause distress, confusion and agitation.

2. Avoid asking questions whenever possible. Instead, guide the conversation with simple statements. Questions can create anxiety when the person is unsure how to respond.

Additionally:

• Avoid saying “Remember…” because it pressures the person to recall information they can’t remember.
• Avoid relying on yes-or-no questions. Depending on the individual and situation, the PWD will answer “no” regardless of the correct answer.²

3. Think of the PWD as the expert on their disability and reality. Because of short-term memory loss and some loss of long-term memory, they may mentally be living in a different time or reality.

For example, the PWD may ask about Charlie, a beloved pet dog who died 20 years ago. Rather than reminding them that Charlie is dead (which could cause them to experience the grief and anguish again), offer a response that fits their current reality. You might say Charlie is asleep in another room, is out for a walk or something else they will accept. The goal is not to deceive the PWD, but to respond in a way that helps them feel comfortable.

The PWD may ask the same question repeatedly. Because of short-term memory loss, they may believe each time is the first time they have asked the question. Remain patient and answer calmly, as though you are hearing the question for the first time. This is not easy, but doing so can save everyone considerable grief.

Reduce Overstimulation

Large family gatherings can become overwhelming for someone with dementia. Although it’s wonderful that grandparents, children, grandchildren and other relatives want to gather at the same time, too many people can create an overstimulating environment.³ Here are some tips for making holiday gatherings calmer:

1. Ask visitors to follow the three communication rules above and keep conversations positive.

2. Make the environment as quiet and peaceful as possible. Reduce competing or loud sounds from music, the TV and family conversations. “Too much going on” is not good for the PWD.

3. Limit the number of visitors in the PWD’s space to two or three at a time, and keep visits short.

Keep Changes to a Minimum

A person with dementia generally does best when remaining in familiar surroundings, following the usual daily routine, and receiving care from the same caregivers.⁴ Changes will cause confusion, agitation and behavioral issues.

If possible, hold the gathering where the PWD normally lives rather than asking them to travel. Even a temporary change, such as respite care or a one-day visit to another family member’s home, may create issues.

I hope these suggestions help you and your loved one with dementia enjoy a more peaceful holiday. If you have a question or comment, please call 210-492-8100 or email helpingourseniors@yahoo.com. We would love to hear from you.

NOTE: Martha Cave, BS, MS, presents workshops for groups interested in learning more about dementia, including what is happening in the brain; how to communicate effectively; and how to help people with dementia, their families and caregivers enjoy more positive relationships.

References

1. Oliver James, Contented Dementia (London: Vermilion, 2009), p. 3.
2. Rita Jablonski, “Why People with Dementia Say No (and What to Do About It)” (July
18, 2018).
3. Tam Cummings, Becoming Dementia Aware, 1st ed. (2022), p. 126.
4. National Institute on Aging, “Coping With Agitation, Aggression, and Sundowning in
Alzheimer’s Disease” (July 17, 2024)