Every October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month provides an opportunity to talk about domestic violence. But after more than 30 years in this field, I’ve learned that the most important conversations start with understanding what domestic violence is and what it is not.
Domestic violence is not simply a relationship with a lot of conflict. It is not two people who need to communicate better. And it is not always physical.
It is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to gain power and control over their partner. It can include physical or sexual violence, but also intimidation, threats, isolation, stalking, emotional abuse, financial control, technology monitoring or using children as leverage.
Sometimes the warning signs are obvious. Often, they are not. A partner may control money, isolate, monitor their phone, constantly accuse them of cheating or insist on knowing where they are. Individual behaviors can be easy to explain away, but the pattern is what matters.
That distinction matters most when we ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?”
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely simple. A survivor may be worried about housing, finances, children or what their abusive partner may do. They may still love the person hurting them or hope they will change. Leaving does not automatically create safety and can be one of the most dangerous times for a survivor.
A better question is: What does this person need to be safer?
Safety looks different for everyone. It could look like leaving immediately and entering shelter, or making a safety plan and talking with an advocate while remaining in the relationship. It may mean taking steps to find housing, obtain an order of protection or access counseling.
They are the expert in their own life. Our role is not to make decisions for them, but to help create options.
When someone tells us they are experiencing abuse, we don’t need to have all the answers. We can say, “I believe you.” “I’m concerned about your safety.” “How can I help?”
Safety rarely happens in one night. Survivors may need months or years to rebuild stability through shelter, advocacy, therapy, or support with childcare, housing, and employment.
Our responsibility also includes addressing the behaviors that cause harm. Through our Offender Intervention Program, individuals who use violence and control are challenged to take responsibility and build healthier, nonviolent relationships. Accountability and survivor safety belong in the same conversation.
Domestic violence is not solely a private family matter, and no single organization can solve it. Our community has a role to play.
This October, let’s move beyond awareness and toward believing survivors, recognizing abuse, holding people accountable and building communities where survivors do not have to choose between safety and stability. Domestic violence thrives in silence and isolation, and our community can help interrupt both.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you don’t have to know what you want to do before reaching out. Sometimes safety begins with knowing you have options. Our crisis hotline is available 24/7 at 816-321-7050 or 816-587-4100.
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