The Gratitude Muscle

The holiday season is upon us. As a kid who grew up splitting holidays between parents, I know that this time of year can bring family traditions and feelings of joy that exist alongside more complicated feelings/emotions. Whether the holidays are all joy or are more challenging for you and your family, I would like to offer an opportunity to focus on the good during this season.

While being thankful is not a new concept, the actual practice of gratitude is like strengthening a muscle. We start small with noticing experiences that are often in front of us on a daily basis. For example, we can notice and feel grateful for a gorgeous sunrise or a helpful cashier at the grocery store. Moments like these happen quickly and we often might not think of them again. Even more rare may be times you have appreciated something about a person you care about or with whom you interact on a daily basis. Sometimes these precious moments and feelings can also pass us by if we are not mindful.

The other morning I was working on my gratitude muscle and was reflecting on the day before. My attention drifted towards a moment when our cat jumped on a brown paper bag and slid across the room about four feet. At that moment I noticed our cat’s shenanigans and I also happened to notice my son’s great big smile and laugh. It was like time stood still for a moment and I was able to savor the look of joy on his face. And thanks to the practice of gratitude journaling, recalling that moment even now still puts a smile on my face. Training our brains to regularly recall these moments can be really helpful when we are stuck in a worried moment or just simply having a hard day. Of course, gratitude is ideally also shared with others.

Life is busy. The world is demanding and that pressure to perform can feel relentless. Sometimes those demands get in the way of appreciating and being present with our families and friends. And sadly, the absence of recognizing things to be grateful for in those around us can begin to create negative dynamics in a relationship.

But gratitude does not always come naturally. Our brains often seek the negative in an effort to protect ourselves and survive. This “on alert” default just means we have to be intentional about building that gratitude muscle and actively look for things to be fond of and appreciate in those around us.

So, how do we do that? We build this habit into our routine. Find 5 minutes to write down – yep write down – things you noticed feeling grateful for that day or the previous day, things that created a sense of fondness for someone important in your life. For some that routine is best in the morning, for others it might be before bed but you will be more likely to be successful if you stack it on top of an existing routine.

Once you feel comfortable noticing these things in the people and experiences around you, you might consider being intentionally grateful around an important relationship in your life. This relationship can be a partner, spouse, child, friend or a co-worker. See if you can increase your observations about them and your relationship. It might be the way a person smiles or simply that they noticed the dishwasher needed to be run and they ran it! But start looking for a handful of things to be grateful for every day and then share those thoughts with that person and let them know that you noticed and appreciate them. Over time, expressions of gratitude and feeling appreciated help protect a relationship from the curve balls and external stressors of life.

I hope you will consider carving out some regular intentional time for yourself to build that gratitude muscle. And then don’t keep all of those thoughts to yourself, share them with people around you. Let those people know what you have noticed and appreciate about them. It is a wonderful habit to build for yourself and your family.